California Beatnik · Poetry

Poetry Corner

#65

Why did you do it?
Was it some sick power trip?
It wasn't enough that you were bigger than us
Bigger than both of us combined
you had to go and make us outcasts
before we had a chance.

It's a sick mind that did what you did
And so ten years old
I was so fucked up
I was talking to a counselor
and lying about my feelings
for no reason at all.

I never had a chance to live a normal life.
No one would come near me
because you had warped my reality
and I didn't know right from wrong
I knew what you did was wrong
but I didn't know what was right.

Imagine the little girl that no one will play with
friendless because
she isn't a little girl inside.
You took care of that.
A childhood without innocence
Is no childhood at all.

Years later I remembered why
when someone else did what you did
but the someone else didn't know it
because I'd managed to feign some sort of reality by then
and as soon as I had
it came crumbling down again

After five years I went
from being depressed and forgetting
to depressed and remembering
and hating
and dying
and crying

And it wasn't until
another five years had passed
that I could tell.
It took five years to find the words
for how much I hate you
for what you did.

Hate is a word
I reserve only for you.
Because you did the unthinkable
What you did has no excuse
Has no rhyme
has no reason

For ten years you had fucked me up
and I couldn't tell anyone why
and then I had to bring myself
from rock bottom
up to something
that vaguely resembles survival.

And the worst part of it all
is I spent those ten years
looking up to you
of all things
I looked up to the person
who had caused all my pain

I'm mostly better now.
I've moved on with my life.
I still hate you
for what you did
But I'm no longer lying about my feelings
for no reason at all

The pain still lingers
one last bit left to squash out
And I don't know if it would take forgetting again
but I will never forget again.
I will never ever
forget it again.

Why did you do it?
Are you sorry now?
Does it matter?
You mean nothing to me now.
My thoughts of you are almost gone finally
And karma will take care of you.

9.12.99
11:04pm