Where did you go?
Why did you abandon me?

I remember your presence
but I don't know when you left
you deserted me

Sometimes now I start to cry
but no tears come

Others I find myself trying to cry
because otherwise I feel nothing
and the nothing
scares me more 
than the pain.

The nothing
	hurts
more than the pain.

Even a good day 
I wind up crying
because always
ALWAYS 
something goes wrong.

and I am left with
	nothing
or pain.

And I start to shake
and I start to cry 
	or I try to 
	but cannot
and I scare myself
and I scare myself 
and I scare myself

And I feel a need to create
because maybe creating
will take away the pain

But never does it do more
	than distract.

So I distract
And I distract
And I try so hard 
to avoid the pain
by distracting myself
from my thoughts

But then I find myself
	stranded
eluded even by my creativity
because something goes wrong 
and doesn't work right.

and it keeps me from doing the things
that keep me from feeling the pain for a while

And I still feel you sometimes
	sometimes
but when I reach to hold you
You crumble
	into sand
		just like
			everything else

Why do you abandon me?